


Something to Think About

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 04:51:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair wakes up after a night of passion with Jim, but all is not well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something to Think About

## Something to Think About

by Brak

Author's webpage: <http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Academy/2455/xfic.html>

Author's disclaimers: I don't own them. I'm not making any money. I'm just having fun. 

Notes: This idea came to me in the middle of the night while I was on vacation. Unfourtunately this meant that I couldn't get up and write it, as I would disturb the rest of my family (and they're disturbed enough, thank you). So I just sat in my bed crying (cause it's really angsty) and decided to save it for when I got home. This was my first "Live performance" on IRC, so I dedicate this to the wonderful group of people there that night. 

* * *

Blair awoke from a long, blissful sleep. He finally felt that he was right where he belonged. Snuggled up next to Jim in the big man's bed, he felt like all was right with the world. Last night, yet another horrific date had ended early when he realized once again how unfair it was to string along a perfectly nice young lady when he lived with the one he really wanted. He came home to find Jim watching late night TV on the couch. Blair couldn't take it anymore. He started his slow subtle seduction. Sitting close, double entendres, sidelong glances. Everything he could think of to let Jim know he was interested. And it had worked. It had worked beyond his wildest expectations. Jim had responded. They made love in Jim's bed and fell asleep in each others' arms. And now Blair lay there, propped up on an elbow as he watched Jim come awake. He looked down into the man's eyes and said the one thing he hadn't said last night. 

"I love you." 

Blair didn't know what he had been expecting, but the look he got from Jim wasn't one of love. There wasn't anger, or disgust. Blair knew Jim was better than that. No, this look was one of regret, and apology, as Jim realized what the previous night had meant to Blair and Blair realized that it had meant far less to Jim. Despite his best efforts to remain calm he felt the tears pouring from his eyes. His greatest dream had come true last night and now it was turning into his worst nightmare. But he was awake. No matter how much he wished he wasn't, he was awake. 

"No." He said softly. "Oh, God." He started to get up. Jim reached for him, but Blair pushed him away. "Don't touch me!" He yelled. "If you care about me at all, don't fucking touch me!" 

He got off the bed and started down the stairs, too upset to be embarrassed by his nakedness. 

Jim sat dumbfounded for a moment as he listened to Blair run down the stairs and into his room. He heard Blair slam his door, flop onto his bed, and begin sobbing in earnest. What had he done? He slipped on a pair of boxers and a robe and headed downstairs. He knocked on Blair's door. 

"Blair, can we talk?" He was answered by sobs. 

"Look, Chief, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I never would have done it if I knew." /That probably didn't come out the way I meant it./ 

The door opened and Blair stood there looking at him, looking angry and scared and very, very hurt. "What did it mean to you?" He asked. 

That was a loaded question. If he said 'nothing' it would only hurt Blair more. And it had meant something, just not what Blair wanted. It was more than just two guys taking care of each other when no one else was available. "It meant something." Jim said softly. "I couldn't have done that with someone I didn't care about." 

"Well, at least I know you still respect me." Blair said as the tears came again. 

"I'll always respect you." Jim said, reaching out to Blair. Blair retreated further into the room. 

"I said don't touch me!" He yelled. "I don't think I could handle that right now." 

Jim stood in the door way as he watched Blair begin to pack. He stepped into the room. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" 

"Isn't it obvious?" Blair asked, voice quivering. "I can't stay here." 

"I don't remember asking you to leave." Jim said. Blair couldn't leave. He just couldn't. 

"Look, Jim I know you want to go back to what we had, but I can't do that. Don't you understand? Do you have any fucking idea what last night meant to me? Do you know how it felt to have one night with everything you ever wanted, thinking it was forever only to wake up and find out that it was never even real?!" Blair's voice had gotten steadily louder and he was yelling at the top of his lungs now. "DO YOU!?" 

Jim looked at the floor. He couldn't face him. "I'm sorry." He whispered. 

"I'm sorry too, Jim." Blair said. "I'm sorry that your being sorry isn't enough." 

"Blair, please don't go." 

"You still don't get it, do you? I've spent the last three years in this room pining for you. Last night, I gave you everything I had. I gave you my body, and my heart, and my soul. And this morning you gave them back to me in a million little pieces. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to take them and try and put them back together again." 

"I do mind. You can't just walk out on me." Jim felt guilty for being angry with Blair. After all, who was the one who had been hurt here? 

"God damn it, do you ever listen to me?! I can't go back, do you understand? Not now that I know how great it can be. I can't go back to laying on that bed alone, staring at that ceiling with tears in my eyes, wishing I was up there with you. I can't live like that anymore. I'm not tied to this tree. I can leave. Maybe I don't want to, but I have to. For my own sanity." 

"Tree?" 

"It's a Greek myth. Tantalus offended the Gods and as punishment they cursed him with hunger and thirst. Then they tied him to a tree in the middle of a river with the water flowing just under his mouth and fruit growing just close enough to eat. But every time he reached for the fruit the wind would blow the branches away and every time he bent to drink, the water level would drop. That's how I feel. I can't stay here and look up at that loft, and look at you and not think about what I can't have. I just can't live like that." 

"I understand." Jim said. "Is there anything I can say to make you stay?" 

"You already know what you have to say." Blair said. 

"I can't." Jim said, as he turned his head away. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Can you forgive me?" 

"Someday. I hope. It's pretty raw right now, but I hope I can someday." 

Jim gave him a stricken look. 

"Jim, I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but as long as we're both being honest, I put a lot of faith in you last night. I've never given myself so completely to anyone, and I may never be able to again." 

Jim didn't know what to say. 

"Look, Jim. Give me a week or so. I'll find a new place to stay and I'll give you a call and we can talk. We just need some distance right now." 

"Sure, Blair. Whatever you say. I uh... I guess you want to be alone." 

"Yeah." Blair said quietly. 

"I'll uh...take a walk or a drive or something. Take all the time you need. I won't come back till you're gone." 

Jim walked sullenly back to his room. He got dressed and headed for the door, all the while cursing himself. /Stupid! How could you have done that? How could you not have seen? Now you've ruined the only relationship that ever meant a damn to you./ 

He stopped at the door and called out to Blair. 

"Yeah, Jim?" He said as he came to his door. 

"Take...take whatever you think you might need. Y'know, food or whatever." 

"Thanks, Jim." 

/I love you. God, just say it and this whole mess will go away./ But he couldn't. He couldn't do that to Blair. He couldn't just say it so Blair would stay. It wasn't fair to either of them. And Blair would know anyway. He made his way down to the truck and went driving to no place in particular. /Could I say it and mean it?/ He thought. /Would it be so hard? It's not the sex part. Or is it?/ Well, it was something to think about. Jim drove on. 

End 


End file.
